We were talking, the other day, about consquences, unintended and otherwise. That led, by the magic of conversation, to an idea for a book. Satire, really. Humour, however you spell it.
The idea was: how about the whole of human history, as seen From Above?
I came away, and thought about it while I was walking, and stopped at a bus stop to scribble these first ideas in my notebook. Rule one: scribble things down when they come to you.
They’ve eaten the apple.
They’ve what?
The one you told them not to eat. They’ve–
But – I gave them all that other fruit.
I wonder if free will was such a good–
Wait. Let me think. I’ve got to be angry about this, haven’t I?
Angry?
Whoops. I’ve just created anger.
He's blaming her and she's blaming the snake.
The snake? This was supposed to be a simple love-match, not some creation-myth psychodrama.
Psychodrama?
Forget I said that.
You could start again.
No, I don’t think… Oh, this is interesting. I think I’ve just created unintended consequences as well.
Consequences?
Yes, unintended – never mind, I’ll explain later. They arise from free will. But I think I can beat that.
*
There. That should do it. Two brothers. Cain and Abel. They can’t screw that up, surely?
*
Now what?
Don't tell me.
Okay, do tell me. I can't bear it. What have they left off the ark?
Not the unicorns? Oh no...
I was really pleased with unicorns.
*
He wants me to part the Red Sea? Can't he go round?
Oh, they’re catching up. Well, I suppose I could.
But I tell you, I'm going to write his commandments on stone if he isn't careful. See him carry those down the mountain.
*
What is it now?
They’ve KILLED HIM?
*
Finally. They just needed leadership, that’s all. The problem was the relationships, all along. So I’ve just made it simple. They get a king. One person to keep order, no argument. Backed up by – get this – The Divine Right Of Kings. I’m pleased with that.
Their monarch – yes, it can be a queen – runs things, and that sets the rest of them free.
The humble ones can set up a church – you know, no frills, just a gathering-place, really – and they can all get together and think about their souls. Sit quietly and listen. No argument. It’s foolproof. At last.
Yes? What is it? I said we weren’t to be disturbed.
They’ve CUT HIS HEAD OFF? Who are these people?
*
Yes, they do. Yes, I know. Yes, it’s not very pleasant, but – well, frankly, fertiliser. All the animals do it, and the plants–
Yes, it kind of melts into the earth, and the plants get the nutrients. What goes around - you know.
Yes, yes, I know, but it was towards the end of the Sixth Day, and I was tired, and I thought: they’re problem-solvers, and they’re good at figuring out what to do with-
What? They mix it with what?
They’ve made it into WHAT?
GUNPOWDER?
*
What is he wearing? I get the fish symbol - that goes back to the loaves and fishes thing my boy did - but that outfit! The tailoring! And what's with all the incense? All those boys in white?
The story continues...
The idea was: how about the whole of human history, as seen From Above?
I came away, and thought about it while I was walking, and stopped at a bus stop to scribble these first ideas in my notebook. Rule one: scribble things down when they come to you.
They’ve eaten the apple.
They’ve what?
The one you told them not to eat. They’ve–
But – I gave them all that other fruit.
I wonder if free will was such a good–
Wait. Let me think. I’ve got to be angry about this, haven’t I?
Angry?
Whoops. I’ve just created anger.
He's blaming her and she's blaming the snake.
The snake? This was supposed to be a simple love-match, not some creation-myth psychodrama.
Psychodrama?
Forget I said that.
You could start again.
No, I don’t think… Oh, this is interesting. I think I’ve just created unintended consequences as well.
Consequences?
Yes, unintended – never mind, I’ll explain later. They arise from free will. But I think I can beat that.
*
There. That should do it. Two brothers. Cain and Abel. They can’t screw that up, surely?
*
Now what?
Don't tell me.
Okay, do tell me. I can't bear it. What have they left off the ark?
Not the unicorns? Oh no...
I was really pleased with unicorns.
*
He wants me to part the Red Sea? Can't he go round?
Oh, they’re catching up. Well, I suppose I could.
But I tell you, I'm going to write his commandments on stone if he isn't careful. See him carry those down the mountain.
*
What is it now?
They’ve KILLED HIM?
*
Finally. They just needed leadership, that’s all. The problem was the relationships, all along. So I’ve just made it simple. They get a king. One person to keep order, no argument. Backed up by – get this – The Divine Right Of Kings. I’m pleased with that.
Their monarch – yes, it can be a queen – runs things, and that sets the rest of them free.
The humble ones can set up a church – you know, no frills, just a gathering-place, really – and they can all get together and think about their souls. Sit quietly and listen. No argument. It’s foolproof. At last.
Yes? What is it? I said we weren’t to be disturbed.
They’ve CUT HIS HEAD OFF? Who are these people?
*
Yes, they do. Yes, I know. Yes, it’s not very pleasant, but – well, frankly, fertiliser. All the animals do it, and the plants–
Yes, it kind of melts into the earth, and the plants get the nutrients. What goes around - you know.
Yes, yes, I know, but it was towards the end of the Sixth Day, and I was tired, and I thought: they’re problem-solvers, and they’re good at figuring out what to do with-
What? They mix it with what?
They’ve made it into WHAT?
GUNPOWDER?
*
What is he wearing? I get the fish symbol - that goes back to the loaves and fishes thing my boy did - but that outfit! The tailoring! And what's with all the incense? All those boys in white?
The story continues...